Drinking the Haterade

Does anyone else hate the What to Expect lady as much as I do? Am I terrible mommy-to-be?

I recently made my first pregnancy purchase, the ever-popular maternity bible What to Expect When You're Expecting.  I was so excited about this rite of passage, feeling the tiniest bit smug in the line at Target with my book, boxes of Saltine crackers, and jumbo bottle of ginger ale. "Look, everyone!" I wanted to shout in the middle of the store. "I'M FUCKING PREGNANT!!!" I settled for the sweet knowing look the cashier threw me while ringing up my tell-tale items.

I rushed home, ready to dive in and learn all about the walking science experiment my body has started becoming. I was a little afraid the book would be kind of out of date. After all, I remember the dog-eared copy that sat on my mother's nightstand when she was expecting my little sister TWENTY FIVE years ago. So I was super pleased when I saw that the author, Heidi Murkoff, had updated the book for more modern times and had even introduced a handy app to go along with it, which I immediately downloaded.

I pressed play on the first video the app suggested and was immediately floored. I HATED HER. Not just kind of didn't like her, I mean visceral, wanted to punch in her know-it-all face kind of hate.

Now I'm completely open to the idea that my hormones may have been to blame for my knee-jerk hatred. After all, I've also found myself drinking the haterade anytime I'm driving, shopping, or someone steps in front of me on my morning walks. Basically anytime I leave the house to deal with some kind of errand, I turn into an impatient rage monster. Yay mood swings. But those moments pass and I'm able to giggle at myself, knowing full well that I don't actually hate the guy who just cut me off, making me miss the turn onto La Brea. Heidi Murkoff, however? Yeah, can't shake it.

Why does this face anger me so?

She just bugs me, guys. Her voice, her stupid pink shirts, her Marlo Thomas after too many face lifts look, the fact that her last name makes me think of the word merkin, all of it. I keep trying to watch her videos but I JUST CAN'T DO IT. Anyone else? Or am I alone in my hatred?

Ironically, I think "hate" is a terrible word and try not to actually hate anyone. And lately Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off" has embarrassingly been MY JAM. And I don't even like Taylor Swift! I'm just gonna blame that on the hormones, too.

In the words of Seth Rogen's Knocked Up character, "Fuck you, HORMONES! You're a raging bitch, HORMONES!" And apparently when it comes to the What to Expect lady, so am I.