The Mystery is Gone

Once upon a time, in the sweet blue eyes of my beloved husband, I was a proper lady. Though I was always honest with him, I made sure to keep an air of mystery in our relationship. Bodily functions? I had none. I prided myself on my ability to hide any kind of flatulence or pooping for almost NINE YEARS.

Then I got pregnant.

Now, he's heard me fart. Not like that ONE time I cutely let out a teeny little "poot" in my sleep, where he was so overcome with giggles that he actually woke me up to tell me how cute my tiny fart was. No. Now he's heard me rip ass like a frat boy who's binged on espresso shots and Taco Bell.

ME: *lets out giant, man-sized fart while husband is in the other room, hoping he's far enough away to have not heard*
HUBS: "You alright?"
ME: "Yep!"
HUBS: "Was that what I think it was?!?!"
ME: *tries desperately to think of something, ANYTHING, else is could have been, fails miserably* "SHUT UP!!!!"
HUBS: *laughs hysterically for a solid hour*

Gone are the days when he thought I was the poop-less wonder. Now I literally cry to him while in constipated agony, begging him to get me prunes, ExLax, Metamucil, "ANYTHING THAT WILL MAKE ME SHIT, PLLLEEEEAAAAAASSSEEE!!!!" Now he celebrates with me when I emerge from the bathroom, noticeably slimmer, and proclaim, "I FUCKING POOPED, MAN!"

So, yes. The mystery is gone and I've had my fair share of humiliation. But today he told me that I've never been more beautiful than when I'm pregnant and I fell even more in love with him.

I also let out a silent fart, but luckily that went unnoticed.